***
April 22nd, 2018.The quest to find James Rhodes- AKA Rhodey- AKA War Machine, still persisted with the Pocket-Sized Avengers.
Then we also had the infinity stones to keep a watch out for, even though I doubted such a thing could exist in the world of dolls.
I'd not gotten the chance for a break all month.
And most unfortunate, I had to miss Steve and Elsa's engagement day for this nonsense. I was beginning to think that I was going too far with the Pocket-Sized Avengers, but at the same time, I was becoming more and more involved in it. My appreciation as part of the team, and maybe even becoming a figurehead of it, was getting more and more obvious by the day. I hadn't felt this sense of importance since, well... since my finding day back in Disneyworld.
The dolls outside of the PSA had avoided me since "Stelsa"'s engagement, and probably for the best. Part of me hoped that it was because they were too busy celebrating, food, parties, music, and all that, but the other part of me knew better. I wasn't welcome there anymore. At least not for a while, not until they forgot about my misdemeanor.
In the meantime, Hawkeye had issued an order for some of us to spend the day outside- our last resort, since we'd been looking for the stones everywhere else in the house. So whom Tony called "NatureMan Chris" was in charge for the day, while Hawkeye and Wanda stayed inside to "hold down the fort".
It was a lovely day, although sleepy. The clouds were thick, fluffy sheets of whitish gray that somehow magnified the sun's brightness while still leaving the grass and trees cold and shadowy. Such is April.
"This will be nice," Chris stepped out into the sunlight, his eyes nearly shut with how fiercely he was squinting. "See? I feel better already. Just a little change of scenery and some fresh air..."
But it was hard to concentrate on your alleged second-in-command's words whenever your brother was in a particularly touchy mood and standing far too close to your ear while murmuring incoherently.
"Can I help you?" I whispered, ticked.
Thor scowled and shifted Mjolnir from hand to hand. "I don't like it here. Something feels funny."
"Well, too bad. Hawkeye wanted us outside."
"Come on, Loki. Don't you feel it, too? Something's off."
"Something's always off when you're one of us, need I remind you of that." I retorted, but whenever I sucked in another breath I made sure to pause to sense if Thor was correct. I hate to admit now that he held some truth then, that familiar ache had returned within me again, a sense of loneliness needing to be filled.
"The homing device," I whispered. "But why is it telling me something now?"
"Exactly," said Thor, probably pleased that he wasn't absolutely insane. "I have a feeling, brother, that the one we've been searching for is nearby."
I had never known the "homing device" senses to activate by being near a doll of a different species, but there was no excuse for War Machine to be outside. "Are you sure? Because I..."
"Can I help you?" A voice echoed, along with the rustling of a nearby shrub. All at once, Chris drew his shield, Tony readied to fire, and Vision, confused and somewhat lost for what to do, crept behind Chris for shelter.
For a moment I thought I would have to fight, too, until I remembered I'd forgotten the doll who lived solely outside.
"Good morning, Westley."
Sure enough, the infamous garden gnome Westley stepped out from underneath the back deck and stood before the Avengers, not minding their drawn weapons in the slightest. He casually leaned his weight onto the shovel that never left his side and surveyed each one of them with no emotion. The mask over his nose and mouth helped with that. While I grown familiar with reading Hawkeye's expressions, whenever he had them, that was, Westley's face was one I had never been able to learn. I had only ever met Westley maybe once or twice, and I had very little opinion of him. He was obsessed with plants, and that was all I knew, so it was very difficult to begin a conversation that wasn't awkward... or entirely about plants.
Thor pointed Mjolnir at Westley in a not-so-discreet sort of way and spoke to me again. "You know this man?"
"He's a ninja garden gnome. It's difficult not to notice him, much less know him."
Westley couldn't deny that. "Maybe you haven't seen me around because I'm the best ninja there is. Maybe you haven't seen me because I'm always hiding." He said, but I couldn't detect if his tone was sarcastic or genuine.
He abruptly changed the subject, realizing that his last comment wasn't about to lead anyone anywhere. "Who are you and why are you out here?"
"Um, hello," Chris gave a small wave, unsure if Westley could see someone an eighth of his size. "I'm Chris, and these are the Pocket-Sized Avengers. Well, a few of them. The rest are..." he shrugged. "Who-knows-where. Hey, that reminds me. Speaking of which, we've been on the hunt for one of our teammates for a while now. Have you seen somebody, about our heights? Gray metallic armor? Red chest light? Probably can fly?"
Westley blinked, speechless, and then turned his shovel-cane away from his elbow, standing straight and walking back to the deck. "You mean him?" He pointed the shovel, and we all craned our necks to see who we'd been looking for since January crawl headfirst out of a small wooden birdhouse with peeling red paint.
"Finally come to fetch me, huh?" He said, somewhat bitterly and somewhat humorously.
"Why didn't he come to fetch us?" Thor griped under his breath.
"Relax. He's probably been through a lot without us." I assured him.
"Rather, I think we've been through a lot without him."
Tony propelled himself forward to meet up with our missing teammate. "Rhodey! Where've you been? We've been searching for you for months! And then we find you hanging out in a birdhouse."
Although there were no visible emotions on the Iron Man-style helmet, there was enough said with his body language through a slow shrug.
"You know, you're not the one with the bird name, buddy. And first of all, how dare you."
Westley stepped in. I was fairly certain that at least half of team was still intimidated by his height and ninja mask. "How dare he what?"
"Like I said. Since January. Searching and stressing for like, what, four months, now?" He turned behind him to confirm with Chris, who clearly had not been keeping track. "Right, four months, Cap? Ah, whatever. You're no help at all."
Rhodey stretched his arms out on either side of him, but it wasn't for a hug. "I'm here now, Stark. No need to worry."
"You sound like you don't even care we've been through hell the past four months. We had somebody die at our hands, and meanwhile, you're chilling out in a birdhouse with Dread Pirate Roberts over here."
Westley raised an eyebrow, suddenly realizing the origins of the name She'd given him.
"Good to see you, too, Stark," Rhodey stated sarcastically. "Now let me get a look at these guys behind you. Let me see... some friendly and familiar faces. Except... why is he here?"
I could have kept my eyes closed the entire conversation and I still would have known he was pointing at me. I risked looking up, only to confirm my senses that his narrowed red eyes were boring right through me, making me feel a mixture of intimidation and aggression.
"He's one of us," Tony said in a voice that didn't ask for questions. "Meanwhile, you've chilling out in a birdhouse for the past four months with no rhyme or reason."
"You're never going to let me live that down, are you, Stark?" Rhodey slapped Tony's shoulder, Tony glared his way, and just like that, they were natural roughened allies all over again.
"Not likely." Tony responded. "Now let me give you a couple of updates..." Tony met Westley's eyes and knew to lower his voice. "We're on a quest for the infinity stones."
Rhodey retracted in shock. "You're kidding me, Stark."
"Nope. And we've made tons of progress without you. Haven't we, Cap?" Tony seized Chris's arm and twisted his robotic hand around Chris's shoulder.
"Tons." Chris confirmed through clenched teeth.
Rhodey placed his hand on his hips, debating whether or not to trust them. "Hm. Not likely."
There was a little banter from that, and anyone not Tony, Chris, and War Machine became isolated, not wishing to intrude on an argument where they had no place but to make things worse. Meanwhile, Vision got distracted and started following a mayfly through the yard, and Thor straight-up surrendered and sat down in the grass, standing his chin on his fists in thought.
"We did it." He sighed.
"We did," I agreed, sitting with him and picking through the grass. I was looking for the perfect blade, because I remember the oldest male human of the house once tried teaching She how to make a whistling, honking noise through it. She was never able to learn it herself, but in the fantasies of my mind, I could be the one who knew how to do it best and impress She. "Aren't you happy about that?"
"It was sort of... anticlimactic."
"That's a big word for you,"
Thor sneered, but it was barely threatening.
"On the bright side, now we can look for those crucially important gemstones that don't exist."
Thor lifted his chin. "What, you do not believe they do?"
"It's not a matter of belief, Thor, it's fact. The infinity stones simply don't exist. We're dolls, not fictional comic book characters."
Surprisingly, Thor only stared at me for a bit before shrugging and resuming his moping position again. I wasn't satisfied with his nonchalant response.
"Do you know something that I don't?" I asked.
"I probably know lots of things that you don't."
I shook my head. "No, you can't."
"Yes, I can."
"Can't."
"Can!"
"Thor-"
"Yes I can and that's final."
"Can't."
Thor raised his voice from a mutter to a roar. "What did I just say about this being final?"
"You're dense."
"And you're stubborn!"
"As are you."
But then he smiled and slapped a two-ton arm around my back. "I miss this. Having a brother."
"You miss this?" I asked, acting as if he were delusional. He still wasn't my brother, whether he liked it or not.
"Of course I do. We never got to do this in the movies."
"This isn't the movies," I said, trying to direct it back to the infinity stones. "Speaking of which..."
"I know what you're going to say. 'The infinity stones do not exist here', correct?"
"Yes."
"Well, perhaps they don't. But that is what we are going to find out. Understand?"
"I am not some child that needs to be talked down to," I shook my head until I was facing away from Thor, too disgusted to see his smug and stubborn face. "Whatever. We've got Rhodey now. You shouldn't be needing me anymore."
"Loki, wait!" Thor commanded, but he could do very little to stop me and would likely always remain that way. I stood from the grass and went along my way, back into the house without even the smallest glance over my shoulder.
Before I turned the corner from the kitchen into the parlor I heard Wanda's voice calling out in her typical gruff voice. "I see you found Rocket-Man."
"We did," I stressed, approaching the sound. "But where were you?"
"Disinterested."
"Last I checked, that wasn't a place to be."
"Well maybe you gotta check more frequently."
I found Wanda standing, leaning against the banister at the bottom of the stairs with her arms crossed and her eyes narrowed, but she was simpering my way, so at least I wasn't in trouble with her, too. She was likely just waiting around for our daily walk.
It had become a habit of ours to meander around the house when our duties with the PSA were done for the day, just to let off some steam and forget about everything and everyone else.
"So! A little birdie told me that She's taking you to go see Infinity War. Without me."
This was true. Although She had no idea of it, it had become our tradition- Magneto, Elphaba, Nessarose, and I- to sneak into the pouch of her backpack or purse whenever She was going to see the latest Marvel movie. I had already watched as many trailers as I could, the PSA happily or nervously commentating over my shoulder, and I already had a prediction on how the movie was going to go, making me the expert.
"I'm sorry, do you want to come?" I asked, taking on Wanda's same playful tone.
"Um, yes! I know nothing. No-thing. I got some theories, though. Wanna hear 'em?"
"Shoot."
Wanda went on and on and we walked together up the stairs and away from the noise outside, and at the end of her spiel, she took a breath and said, "Are any of those correct?"
I shrugged mischievously. "Now, I can't say for sure-"
"Of course you can't," She grumbled. "Can you at least tell me who all's in it?"
"Everybody," I confessed. "Except for Ant-Man, Wasp, and Hawkeye."
"What a bunch of pansies."
"Agreed. I'm sure it will be a great film, though. A fantastic movie. Well worth the wait."
"Uh-huh. Stop your bragging, elf-man."
"And the Scarlet Witch in the movie is-"
"A one-note 'Vision's girlfriend', I'll bet."
"She has her good points, though. It appears that in one part she decimates an entire alien ship, if not two of them. She's immensely powerful in all sorts of ways, but they hardly use her because she's concerned for Vision's sake half the time."
"Sounds heinous," Wanda commented. "We should go see it."
"You mean together?" I asked, startled.
Wanda's lids lowered halfway over her bright green eyes. "No, I think we should each see it separately, on the same day at the same time, but in different rooms alone."
"I get it."
"So you're not completely dull. I'm surprised," Wanda smirks and stands on the tip of her toes to lift my helmet and grind her knuckles on my head. "Wow. Dude, your hair's really soft. Double surprise."
I found the gall to ask, although I had a hunch I would already know the answer, "Why do you hate your character?"
Wanda stopped. "What?"
I didn't repeat myself, knowing full well that she'd heard me.
"Hate's a strong word there, dude. I don't hate her. She's fine. But emphasis on fine. Okay?"
"Is it her one-note 'Vision's girlfriend' quality?"
"No, not even that," Wanda sighed, looking ashamed. "From the first moment I was made, I'm pretty sure that I gained consciousness, looked at all the other Scarlet Witch dolls around me, realizing who I was, and uttered my first words. Want to know what well they were? 'Well, shit'. That's what they were."
"But why?"
"Because..." Wanda appeared sadder than I'd ever seen her. These thoughts and memories were destroying her from the inside out. "Because I didn't want to be one of them. I wanted to be a Steve Rodgers. Or a Tony Stark. Or hell, even you. I want to be like you. When I took my first breath, I knew I was trapped in this body forever. And there was no way of escaping. And trust me, I tried. With the little resources I had, I tried. But there's a sad truth to it all... I'll never be one of the guys."
Wanda knelt, pulling her knees to her chest in a substitute hug and burying her face in the hideaway.
"You wanted to be a boy." I whispered.
"No, not just a boy. A man. And at first I couldn't explain why. But then I figured out. All on my own, without any of the other Wandas and before I'd even met any of the PSA... I figured it out. That's why Hawkeye took me under his wing. You thought it was because of my powers, didn't you? That's how he treated everyone else. But I was the first recruit, so I was his exception. And it's a big secret, what the two of us know. I really shouldn't tell you," Wanda lifted her head, and I saw the places in her eyes where tears wanted to be. "But I'm going to anyway. Come closer. No one else must hear this."
I relaxed onto the ground and scooted over until her hands cupped my head and her lips touched my ear.
"I was a man. At one point. And again and again, I was a man. Men all the way down. Throughout all the lives I've lived, I've never once been a woman. You see, us dolls are a different breed. The humans who know we're alive always question it, and we're never able to give a legitimate answer. Well, I have that answer. We're souls. Lost souls who could have made it out of someone and never made it anywhere. There are only so many souls to go around, you know. I've concluded that I've been male dolls since the beginning, but in my most recent life I must have done something horrible. Something so completely awful that would warrant a great punishment. And since I've been men all the way down, it's likely I developed a fear of women. And then, because of that, I became one in this life. Me being who I am is punishment. Indefinite, unchangeable punishment."
I was nearly shaken speechless. Dolls came to life by the possession of lost souls. We inhabit multiple dolls, leading multiple lives, before the one we currently enjoy. Wanda has dysphoria.
"Wanda... I'm so sorry..."
She held up the flat of her hand. "Don't apologize. I've heard enough of those from myself."
"Then what can I do?"
"Treat me like you would anyone else. It would be better if you forgot everything I've said, because I don't want your actions to change now that I've shared with you my deepest, darkest secret. The PSA are the only dolls I know who didn't see me as the token girl. Because I'm not a girl. Not really," she smiled sadly. "And your friends, too. The one in your humans' room. They seem nice enough, but I haven't really gotten to know them. And yesterday was giant blue lady's engagement and we missed that. I'm sure you really wanted to go, and believe me, I did too, but I didn't feel like I could. We were getting so close to Rhodey. But now that we've found him... I think we should pay the happy couple a visit."
Oh, no. "I couldn't do that. Not after what I did. They won't want to see my face for weeks. It's better to wait this out until their emotions simmer down."
Wanda picked herself up and held out both of her hands to lift me from the ground. "Or you could man up like I did and say you're sorry."
I groaned because I knew Wanda was right. I snatched both of her hands and she hoisted me to my feet without so much as a strain. Now I knew where that uncharacteristic grip of strength came from. "Alright, alright. Are you coming in with me as backup?"
"Of course. It was my idea. And I put the burden of knowledge onto you. This here is payback now. It's only fair."
Right. It was only fair, wasn't it? I walked with Wanda side-by-side to the place we assumed Steve and Elsa would be- celebrating with the other dolls upstairs in the Room She Lives In. On the outside, my pace was brisk and steady, cool and calculated, but on the inside I was being torn apart. The years I'd done of secret research, a few sleepness nights scattered here and there for good measure, where all done in vain. I had been trying to find the meaning of life, the reason why most dolls were sentient, and all it took was a few minutes on the floor with a person who didn't have to read or search for anything. They already knew, and had known all along.
"Wanda... are you... still alright with me calling you Wanda?"
Wanda was incredulous. "Yeah, why wouldn't I be?"
"Well, because... you know."
"Yeah, no. I'm fine with it now. I was much worse back in the warehouse, believe me. I've come to accept the fact that I will never be wholly satisfied, but being a woman has its advantages at times, you know?" She flicked her long brown hair over her shoulder and shot me a wink. "We got that little charmspeak thing. And Hawkeye's a fun one to play with. And aside from that, I'm smaller, so it's easier to get away with stuff."
"Getting away with stuff? Like what you used to do in your past life?"
"Nah, dude. The stuff I'm doing now is much nicer. Because before I was who I am now, I was a murderer!" Wanda threw her head back and cackled, taking great delight in how I stepped to the side cautiously. "I'm just kidding. I don't know. This is soul stuff is only a hunch, but I know it's right."
We made it to the front of the Room She Lives In, and I held my breath as Wanda gestured with her eyes for me to jump up onto the doorknob.
"Come on, dude. Don't make me use my wibbly-wobbly hexes on you. 'Cause I like showing these off." Wanda twisted her fingers around each-other, and little wisps of pink and white appeared between her hands.
"Don't touch me with those," I said. "I'll do this on my own."
I did what she had wordlessly asked, and the door fell open as my metaphorical heart did. The room was completely empty except for the taller Frozen sisters, Elsa and Anna, and it appeared they were right in the middle of girl talk as Elsa showed off her engagement bracelet. It was surprisingly well-crafted for Steve, a doll who wasn't well-versed in jewelry arts, and the red and blue beads glinted pleasantly in the sunlight that came in from the window.
"Whaddup, y'all. The party's here. The apology party," Wanda followed that with a train noise, then immediately regretted it. "I'm sorry, that was lame."
"What are you doing here?" Elsa asked, a strange iciness in her voice. Anna grabbed her arm in a protective way- yet I wasn't sure if Anna was trying to protect Elsa- or me.
"The elf-man feels sorry for his wrongdoings. He's come to vocalize that," Wanda nudged me forward, clearly enjoying seeing me uncomfortable. "Right?"
"Yes, I have," I swallowed, then bent my head downwards a little in a motion like you might do for a majesty. "Elsa... I missed your engagement. And for that I have no excuse. I'm really sorry. Allow me to make this up to you."
Her dark red lips pressed themselves together in disapproval until they were nothing more than a wrinkled line.
"What could you possibly do to make this up to me?"
"I don't know. But let me do something."
Elsa lifted her chin to offset the pain in her voice. "What could you do?"
I was struck with an idea, a concept far better than any physical gift. "Perhaps we can come to an arrangement," I suggested. "The Pocket-Sized Avengers get me for half of the week, and everyone else gets me for the second half. That way they would each have their own times with me, I get to be where things important when they're important, and nobody gets hurt."
Anna seemed excited, but Elsa chewed on this for a minute, then looked down at me with a face of almost pity. "But Loki... you'll be exhausted."
"That's okay. He likes being busy." Wanda covered for me. In reality, Elsa had no idea how much free time I really had, and how little of it I was spending with my first family.
Elsa's brow furrowed, and she looked at her hands and then twisted the bracelet. "Well... I suppose..."
Anna nearly jumped for joy. "Yes! I knew you couldn't stay mad at each-other forever."
Elsa smiled with her mouth closed, a small one, with eyes that wouldn't see her sister nor me, but I knew that everything would be alright between us again. And if they weren't, I would strive to make it that way.
"Now! Show them your bracelet. Tell them how Steve proposed!" Anna squealed, inviting Wanda and I up to the dresser and presenting Elsa's right wrist forward. "I just love happy endings."
-Loki
