The Funky War P. 3: Safety and Strangers

The Funky War rages on... with Loki, Moana and I to write about it.

***

I had no explanation for where I was going, or why I had left. I didn't think I had to- explanation or not, they wouldn't understand. Plus, they would be fine on their own. The Funkos may be free, but they were done fighting. I thought that meant we were halfway to peace, but apparently I had been wrong. Now they were demanding the Infinity Stones.
Finally, on my fourth run around the downstairs hallway, I found what I was looking for. A flash of red, black, and waving brown in the parlor.
"Wanda! Wanda Maximoff!" I shouted, throwing my hopes on the line, knowing full Wanda hadn't been in any mood to speak to me since I had left the group during the Funky War.
"Not listening," She replied stiffly, then mimicked the Funkos by signing her emotions with a rude finger over the shoulder. "La-la-la-la-la. Hm, do you hear something, Wanda? No, Wanda, I don't believe I do. Ah, that's what I thought."
"Wanda, please listen to me!"
"Nope, can't talk right now. Too busy ignoring you."
I cease the chase, realizing that there's only one thing she'll answer to.
"Wanda- you were right."
Wanda's feet paused so quickly that the laces of her black combat boots smacked against her ankles. She looked behind her shoulder, eyelids partially down and the corner of her closed pink mouth raised into a tight half-smile. "Hm, nevermind. I'm staring to like where this is going."
When I see that she's ready to listen, I say,
"Remember what Hawkeye told us not to do before we went out to battle the Funkos?"
"Yeah," Wanda crossed her arms and leaned all her weight onto one hip. "I know exactly what he said. But you can repeat it if you makes you feel worse."
"He told us not to return to the Funkos once we'd beaten them. That they are not, under any circumstances, to become our friends."
"That's right."
"Guess what I just tried to do."

"You know, Loki was always the one who seemed to set the plot in motion with some sort of trouble. That's what Thor told me."
It ached me to tell her what I did. "Well... he's not completely wrong. Now... now the Funkos want the Infinity Stones."
Wanda stiffened. "You have to tell Hawkeye about this."
"We're already on bad terms at it is. You have to keep this a secret for me."
Wanda loosened her arms, and they dropped to her sides in defeat. She began toying with the black wrappings around them. Odd, I'd never seen her get nervous before. "Loki, I can't keep any secrets. I'm a Pocket-Sized Avenger. We have to report all information to our leader."
"Our," I said. "Does that mean I'm still apart of the team?"
"Of course you are!" She insisted, but then her voice trailed off. "You've just... separated, is all. But that means you have to tell Hawkeye yourself."
It was like I was itchy all over with cumbersome thoughts that kept on generating the deeper I got into this mess. I should never have agreed to Elsa's proposition in the first place.
"If you were to accompany me, we might be twice as persuasive."
"What do you mean? You're a good enough speaker as it is, I'm sure Hawkeye would understand after a couple of days... wait... nuh-uh, dude. I can't do that. And to our leader? Shut up, you're crazy."
I hadn't said anything, but Wanda must have noticed the way I was looking at her hands. Hands that could generate vexes and charms to influence the minds of enemies and friends alike.
"Or... now, hear me out. We could do the same to the Funkos. To influence them into thinking that the Infinity Stones aren't the ones they're looking for."
Wanda studied her hands, her expression unreadable.
"You weren't above doing it before."
"I never said it wasn't above doing it, I just said...!" Wanda exploded, then swept a breath through her body and cooled down. "You know why I'm alone, walkin' around out here, and not with the other Avengers?"

"You're changing the subject."
"'Cause I was waiting for you."
Oh. "So you knew I would...?"
I was about to say "come back" but Wanda was already speaking again. "Nah. Vision did, more or less. I've been talking to him a lot recently, actually. He's a far better speaker than you are."
Was she trying to make me jealous? "If he's just a great speaker, then why didn't he try to convince the Funkos to make peace with us? Because he doesn't care about them."
"Hm. And you... do...?"
I've never had somebody make me walk myself into a wall like that before.
"I'm just suggesting that there's a better way we can handle this."
"Then you do it alone. You have your friends. Make them keep the Funkos away from the Infinity Stones."
"Wanda... they're not like us."
"So?"
"Elsa and Moana are both Disney. And Magneto came from X-Men. They don't have Infinity Stones in their universe."
"If you're such a great speaker why don't you just tell them about it?"
"Because," I was on the brink of defeat. I couldn't believe it. "Because it's not the same. They aren't dedicating their lives to finding these gems. The Funkos want the Infinity Stones, and we don't have them, either, but I think that they think we do. They won't accept the truth if we told them, and we'd be at war all over again. If we can bring them a substitute, or make them forget they even want the stones at all, we'd be set."
Wanda stuck out her jaw to one side, baring her bottom teeth in thought. "Yeah. You know what? This is stupid."
"My plan is stupid, or...?"
"Everything about this is stupid. The sooner it's over, the better. Agreed. Let's shake on it."
Wanda lunged forward and pulled on my hand, squeezing it with surprising force. That must be a thing of hers.

"You're in?"
"Yeah, why the hell not. I've got nothing to lose except my dignity, my team, the stones, my sanity..."
I laughed a little bit, high on adrenaline and relief.
Wanda tossed her hair and smiled brightly, her green eyes twinkling. "Let's go brainwash some bobbleheads!"

***

It had been one of the moments that Moana hadn't brought her paddle with her, and I wasn't feeling like turning on my switch, so we left the Funkos with some awkward smiles as soon as Loki bolted. We were lost without our leader, so we had to find things to do until he came back... whenever that would be. We visited with Nessa and Elphie, wondering if we could bring them anything. As of now, Elphaba's arm has lost feeling past the break, from her elbow to her hand, so it may only be a matter of time where it becomes completely useless to her. But Elphie is adapting and its in good spirits about it. 

"I still have the other one." She shrugged, peering over She's iPad, happy that Vision had given her the password on the day of the Funky War.

"But aren't you going to miss having two?"

"Yeah, but think of it this way. Anelle has both legs and can't use either of them, and she's fine. I have one good arm and I can use it. So I'm fine, too."

I don't think Elphie's words of wisdom made Moana feel any better, though. She still acts extra cautious around Elphie. It was a little ironic how she was able to save Elphie from the humans on Moana's first day in the house, but ended up harming her a year later. I wonder if either of them thought it was ironic, too.
"Why do you think Loki left us?" I muttered aloud.
"He does have another group to attend to," Magneto shrugged. "It could have been anything. I wouldn't worry about it."
But I was worrying about it. A lot. I had met the Pocket-Sized Avengers, but they were hardly ever around, so it was difficult to give them my full trust. Maybe it was different for the other dolls, and maybe I was judging them too harshly, but I didn't believe that Loki was running off to bake some cookies. It was something serious... something scary.

"Hey, did you hear that?" Moana asked, suddenly starting up from her kneeling place at Elphie's side.
"Hear what?"
"That thing. Like... a door opening." Moana's pointer finger slowly rose to touch her lips in a sign of silence.
Magneto didn't take her hint. "I didn't hear anything."
"The humans shouldn't be home. Wait- they aren't, right? Are they?" Said Nessa.
"Be quiet!" Moana hissed. "There's voices now."
Well, Moana wasn't lolo, or whatever she called it. Indeed, there were two small voices outside in the hallway- definitely not humans- and they came from a man and a woman. The woman's voice was less familiar, but the man's was unmistakably Loki's.
"Ah, he's back," Magneto noted. "Let's go see what he's up to."
"I'm not too sure that's a good idea." I said, standing.
"Of course it's not a good idea. That's why I'm going to see what he's up to."
Moana grinned and followed the key-chain. "And that's why we're friends."
Nessa pity-smiled up at me, realizing that I had no choice but to go after them.
"Yep, I'll be back." I sighed, pushing myself off the dresser and onto the floor. Moana and Magneto had met up with Loki and the brown-haired lady from the Pocket-Sized Avengers, Scarlet Witch, outside.
"Hey, giant blue lady." Scarlet Witch nodded in recognition of me.
"Elsa is fine." I replied.
"Mkay. I'm Wanda."
"So what are we about to do?" Moana asked.
"We? None of you were supposed to be included in this." Loki stated.
"Oh, please, we've been in this from the start. She hasn't." Magneto pointed rudely at Wanda.
"Wanna go, Magnet Man?" Wanda tested.
"No time for fights," Loki stressed. "Wanda and I were just about to go back into She's sister's room to change their mind about their conditions."

"But why?" I injected. "We agreed to their terms already."
"I know, but they ask for too much from us."
"Stones and solitude? That doesn't seem like such a strong request to me."
"Well, it is, Elsa. It is to us."
Loki and Wanda exchanged a look then that I didn't like.
"What is this about? Is there a secret you're hiding from us?"
Neither of them responded. This only angered me more. I had known Loki since the beginning. We could technically share finding days. Not to mention the Norway Club with Olaf, our discovery of Christmas together, and all the other adventures we'd been on that ought to be more valuable than anything the new Avengers could offer. Right?
"Whatever. Let's go inside." Loki murmured, brushing past Moana to use his acrobatic skills to open the door.
"Nice one," Wanda commented from down below. "You see, we still need you in the Avengers."
I secretly hoped not, just to get my friend back.
"What, Chris's door kick isn't as effective?" Loki asked, dropping to the ground.
"Nah."
"We'll enter quietly. We don't know what kind of mood they'll be in when they see us again."
"Right."
I had second thoughts about going into the room, but there was no way I was turning back now. I really wanted to know how things would turn out. If need be, I could flip my switch on at the last second, though I doubted I'd need to do so since we'd already negotiated with them. We'd only need to be ready to fight once Loki and Wanda broke the news that they couldn't have what they asked for... for whatever reason. I apparently wasn't good enough for an answer.
When we pushed open the door, it seemed that the Funkos hadn't moved from hours ago. Blake was at the head, with Heimdall beside him, and the shiny Iron Man slightly away. But then, when they looked our way with their unnaturally round eyes, we noticed that there was a fourth doll with them, too. What was that about?

"There must have been a box we missed when we were uncovering the Funkos." Magneto whispered.

"Impossible," Loki argued. "The Avengers only fought and captured three."
"Yeah, we didn't notice him, either." I agreed, my eyes flicking to Moana for confirmation. She looked just as lost as the rest of us.
Blake sent two thumbs in the air and stamped twice on the ground.
"He wants to know what we're doing here."
"Ask him the same thing to his new friend." Magneto retorted.
The new friend, a Funko Pop of Cogsworth from the live action Beauty and the Beast, who had been still since we had seen him, came to life before our eyes as his body whirled around with the same rickety noise of the roller coaster at Disney World. Every motion he made had a ticking noise like a real grandfather clock would. 
It was really creepy. None of the other Funkos had acted this way.
But then he spoke.
"Hel-lo. I am Cogs-worth."
Wanda's brows dropped with her jaw. "What in the f-"
Loki shushed her while our group dropped into quiet chaos.
"This one talks?"
"What does that mean?"
"He doesn't have a mouth!"
"Why can't the others do that?"
"Guess we won't need a translator."
"What do we do now?"
That final question froze everyone again. The gears in each of our minds were turning like the ones that I had noticed were constantly moving all over Cogsworth's body, which didn't really help his creepiness factor.
"I don't think the Funky Warriors know what to make of him, either." I whispered.
"The Funky Warriors?" Wanda said.
"That's what they called themselves."
"Oh. We only came in and fought them, no questions asked. I don't even know their names." Was that guilt in Wanda's voice?
"Well, one's things for sure," Loki began. "This changes things. Indefinitely."

***

"Do you speak the Funko's sign language, too?"

"Yes. A lit-tle. I am new."

"We could tell." Magneto said.
Pua snorted in agreement.

Cogsworth titled his head at Magneto in a mechanical way. Click-click-click went the things in his neck. "Who. Are you?"

"We would actually like to know more about you. Where were you from?"

Cogsworth made a jerky box with his weird scroll-hands. "A box. In the. Mail."

"Most of the Avengers were." Wanda commented. She was sitting with her legs crossed on the carpet and watched as Loki paced back and forth at a furious speed. Elsa was on the floor, too, trying to blend in with the background of She's bedspread. Only Magneto and I were brave enough to sit next to Cogsworth on the dresser of the Room She Lives In. Not even his own people had accepted him, and they were actually happy to see that we wanted to take him back to our place for a while.

"Yes, but where he comes from doesn't change a thing. He's a Funko. Why does he talk?"

"Is it a bad thing?" Elsa whispered. "Beauty and the Beast is one of my favorite movies. I like the original better, of couse, but Nessa told me Sir Ian McKellen played him in the live action version. What's not to like about him?"

Magneto's eyes went wide underneath his helmet. "Did he really?"

Cogsworth didn't blink, but his mind seemed to. The other Funkos blinked like normal dolls, but Cogsworth did not. And none of us knew why. It was driving Loki crazy. And I think it made other people afraid of him.

"Where. Are you. From?"

"A white elephant gift exchange."

"Disneyworld." I added.

"Me, too." Elsa spoke.

"Ditto." Said Loki.

"I came in the mail. I'm not sure where from." Wanda frowned.

"And. What. Goes on. In here?"

"What do you mean?"

"How long has eve-ry-one been here?"

Per Cogsworth's request, we went around again and said our finding days and years. He was a curious little clock, but I could respect that. Too bad we were as curious of him as he was of us.

"And what. Do you do. In the day?"

"In the day?" I wrinkled my nose.

"He just wants to know our routine. What we do for fun."

So we said that, too. Meanwhile, Loki kept pacing.

Cogsworth asked us how many more of us were there, and we said twenty-seven total. We had to count the Pocket-Sized Avengers now. I couldn't believe that we had such a large population.

He wanted to know all of their names, and what they were like. Maybe it was the conversation, or maybe it was the passing time, but everyone started warming up to him slowly. Elsa came closer to the dresser, and Loki was wearing himself out, so he took a break to sit next to Wanda on the floor.

But then the calm could not last long. He got all creepy again when he asked, "How long. Have you. Been al-ive?"

"Been alive?" Elsa was taken aback, and she laughed a little in her nervousness. "Forever, I guess?"

"For-ever? That is. A long time."

"You're a clock and a doll. You should know about forever." Magneto replied.

"I do not. Think I will. Live for-ever."

"Well, yes, one day we may all expire. But not unless our human forgets about us." Elsa reassured him.

Cogsworth was not reassured. In fact, he didn't have any emotions at all. There were no inflections in his voice, no feelings in his eyes or movements. Maybe that's what made him all the more unsettling.

"No. I will. Be here. A short time." Cogsworth's head rotated on its socket. Click-click-click.

"What, you're being returned? You came in the mail." Magneto reminded him.

"I will not. Be returned," Cogsworth said. "But I. Will not. Be here a long. Time."

Wanda shivered. "I don't like this."

"No, me either," Loki agreed. "No offense to Cogsworth, but I see the reason why the Funkos were happy to give him up."

"You. Do not. Like me?" Cogsworth said in his robotic, buzzing voice.

"No, no, we like you fine," Elsa lied sweetly. "But it's unusual how you can talk and the other Funko Pops cannot."

"I will not. Be here a long. Time." Cogsworth repeated.

I wondered if Wanda's shivers were contagious.

"Why are you here, Cogsworth?"

"I can-not tell. You. But-" 

We all leaned forward when he paused like we were watching a suspenseful scene in an action movie.

"But I am. Here. For the Funkos."

"Why?"

"They made. A mess. They want. What they can-not. Have. I must. Stop them."

"He's like us." Wanda thought aloud.

"Or he's a spy." Said Loki.

"A spy? For who's side? Be real, Loki. Cogsworth is on our side. Even if he is a living nightmare, he's here to help us. He agrees that the Funkos are interfering with the lives of the humans when they shouldn't be, and he agrees that asking for the Infinity Stones is too much to ask."

"What are the Infinity Stones?" I asked.

"Nevermind that. Let's take him. Cogsworth's a Funko. He'll be able to reason with them without me using my powers. Which is kind of cheating, anyways. Cogsworth will be much more genuine."

"You really trust this guy?"

Wanda sighed. "He's all we've got, really. Let's use him to our advantage."

Loki looked up at Cogsworth, who looked back at him, then around at the rest of us like he knew we were plotting something. I wasn't sure who I should be more afraid of.

"Fine. We'll do it. Eventually."

***

"Eventually?" Wanda on the verge of getting emotional. "Eventually? You say that like we'll do it in a week. If Tick-Tock here is right, we don't have a week. He will not be here a long time. Didn't you hear that? Didn't you hear what he said?"

"I did." I wasn't in denial about anything, I was just in the process of forming a plan, and Wanda didn't know that.

"We have the man, let's use him now. The Funkos are probably still disoriented. Use 'em while you got 'em, that's what Hawkeye never said," she paused. "I made that up right now. It sounds kinda stupid now that I've said it out loud."

"It does," I agreed. "But listen. Wanda, I think we should keep Cogsworth around a little longer. There's something strange about him."
One of Wanda's eyebrows raised in mock surprise. "Really? Only one thing's strange about him?"
"No, I meant strange as in a connection. He's definitely different, but he's giving me this weird... energy. I can't quite explain it."
This time, both eyebrows raised. Wanda pressed her pointed fingers together in a triangle and rested her chin on top of them, her green eyes still on me. The only other being I knew to possess her kind of green eyes was She. "I think you're loopy."
"Maybe so, but I need you to trust me on this one. He's here for a reason. More than correcting the Funkos. Let him stay in here for the rest of the day. It's not like the Funky Warriors will need him back anytime soon with the way they were acting. Let him stay, and then tomorrow morning, or whenever the humans are out of the way, we return him to the other room and have him do what he was here to do."
Wanda's green eyes cast themselves onto the ground. She wants to think, but she's too tired at this point to fight back verbally. "This whole situation just seems like a whole bunch of distressed agreements strung together, one right after the other." She sighed.
"Is that a yes?"
"That's going to be a yes for now. I'm stressed out, dude. I need to take you to Hawkeye."
I didn't like the sound of that. "Why?"
Wanda stood and grabbed my wrist. "God, you are loopy. Have you already forgotten?" She leaned forward so that her breath tickled my ear and no one else would be able to eavesdrop. "You need to tell him about the Infinity Stones."
"Ooh, I'd rather not."

"Come on, Loki. Man up. Elsa, Hero Complex and Magnet Man can babysit Tick-Tock, and we'll go find the other Avengers. You give him your plight, he beats you up a little, and we all leave as friends. Good?"
"Good? You just said he'd beat me up a little."
"I mean, he might," Wanda let go of my wrist long enough to crack her knuckles. "But I trust that he won't. He's never done it before. He might give you the Eagle Eye, though."
Wanda was already taking off, and before I knew it, I was leaving my friends without explanation again, the second time in the same day. Wanda rope-climbed one of the banisters to the top of the railing the humans held onto the walk down the stairs, then sat down and swung over sideways, pushing off with her hands at the top so that she slid at high speed at the way down, whooping happily the whole way, with the "ride" spitting her out onto the rug at the end.
I decided to take the risk and do the same as her. Amazingly, it was a much more convenient travel than it had been before for a doll of my size. I wouldn't let it on to anyone, but it was really fun, too. 
"The Eagle Eye?" I said once I was at the bottom.
"It's like the evil eye, only, since he likes birds, it's the Eagle Eye."
"Oh. He's already given me at least thirteen of those."
Wanda laughed. "Yeah, he would. He won't beat you up. I was only kidding."
"I hope so."
"I was," Wanda bobbed her head back and forth like there was a song in her head and the rest of her body couldn't dance. "Plus you have Thor. He's your big bro, right? He's got to defend you."
"Not necessarily." I said gravely. Judging by the radiating tremor of power and heat in the air, we were only a feet away from the Avenger's headquarters in the kitchen.
As soon as we were in sight they noticed us enter their "zone", where we received a mixture of facial expressions.
"Hey, Wanda, you found our poor lost puppy! Thanks a million." Tony shouted.
"Yup, found him in a ditch with his tail between his legs." she lifted my arm in victory like I was a prisoner. I shook her off, unsure of what she was trying to do.
"Brother!" Thor cried in surprise. "Where have you been? We have not seen you seen your friend El-fa- was it? Elfabah was injured. How is she?"
"Elphaba, but close enough. She's doing alright." I replied coolly, trying to get a read on Hawkeye. 

His purple sunglasses frustrated me so much, and they had from the first day I met him. There was no way to tell what he was feeling, and his mouth was always a stern, colorless line.
"Anyway, our poor lost puppy's got something to tell us. Doesn't he?"
I reminded myself that the Pocket-Sized Avengers were my alleged companions, and I need not be afraid of them, but with Wanda setting me up in this way and not on my own terms, there was definitely some intimidation felt on my side.
"I attempted negotiation with the Funkos," I started, waiting to see if anyone would interrupt, but they didn't. "We made good progress until they insisted on some terms. The first is to be left alone in the room where they are..." I breathed. Nothing yet from anybody, yet I could still feel Wanda's eyes smugly boring into the back of my head. "And the second is that they wish to have control over the Infinity Stones."
The entire room had been holding its breath up until that moment when I dropped the news, and then it sighed all at once.
"Uh oh." Said Tony.
"Big uh oh." Chris followed.
Vision tapped the center of his forehead self-consciously, and Hawkeye approached me. I'll admit I stepped back a little, only to bump into Wanda behind me.
"What do you mean, 'control over the Infinity Stones'?" Hawkeye spoke slowly and carefully, enunciating every word so that each contained the weight of granite.
"Exactly what I said. They want to have the Infinity Stones for themselves. They're giving us time."
"Us? We-" he made a broad circle around everyone except me with his non-bow hand. "We were not a part of this negotiation. In fact, our plan was to leave them there."
"But they're dolls, Hawkeye. Dolls like us. Even if they are a different species, we're all here in the same house under the same humans. If we're not going to get along, then we're going to be here a very long time," Wanda stepped forward until she was clearly beside me. "If it changes anything at all in your mind, I'm with Loki."
If Hawkeye was the type to have emotions, I could have sworn he was surprised.
"So you are," he said, and I figured his next move was to kick Wanda out of the group. "What exactly did the Funkos say?"

Luckily, maybe for once, I was wrong about my last thought. "I can't quote perfectly from memory, but we agreed to leave them at peace after bringing them their next request, seven stones."
"Seven stones." Hawkeye repeated.
"That's right."
"What edition are you?"
His question threw me for a loop. "What?"
"What line of toy were you released in?"
I could probably recite the words on the card on the back of my box backwards by letter, in the dark and upside down, but I couldn't understand why Hawkeye wanted to know. "Avengers All Stars... from the first Avengers movie."
"Ahhh." Tony, Chris and Thor all moaned like it was their eureka moment.
"What?" I asked.
"Wanda, Tony, Chris, Vision and Thor are all from Age of Ultron. The second Avengers movie. And I'm a Legends figure," Hawkeye explained, the brutal tone in his voice having melted partially away. "We'd likely know more about the Infinity Stones than you. Like how there are six Infinity Stones, not seven."
My heart, had I had one, dropped to my knees, both in relief and shame. 

"April Fools?" Chris shrugged. He was being sheepishly hopeful for my sake.
"Maybe that would work, if it were April," Hawkeye said gruffly. (At the time of this event, it was only March nineteenth, only a day after we had met and fought the Funkos.) "But now we have to figure out what these bastard Funkos meant by seven stones."
I had picked up on his subtle "we", meaning the inclusion of me into all of them once more, and felt a little better about my situation. How could I have known about the magic number? "That's the thing. When my group and I went back for them to elucidate, the Funkos had an unknown fourth member with them. He seems to not be affiliated with the rest of them and we currently have him under our watch in the Room She Lives In upstairs."
"Well..." Hawkeye sighed and double-tapped the air, motioning for his team to follow as he started with Wanda and I towards the staircase. "Guess we're going there, then. But they won't be very happy to see us again."
Wanda touched Hawkeye's wrist. "What he says is true, Hawkeye. I met the Funko myself. He talks, too," she looked around warily at the rest of her group members, warranting a pause on the thirteenth stair. "You guys have been warned... this Funko is a little more than just plain weird."

To be concluded in The Funky War P.4,
Queen Elsa, Loki, and Moana of Motunui