Who's the King of Halloween?

Hi everyone! Elsa here. I hope your Thanksgiving was a happy and healthy one! This is an account of the Halloween that we had last year, which is much long overdue. Thanks to Treesa for reminding me to send this out. In 2019, we were able to celebrate Halloween on October 30th, actually, thanks to David S. Pumpkins' contagious enthusiasm for the holiday and another doll, who will be introduced in this post. He's... interesting, to say the least. And things were made even more interesting when he and David got into a fierce competition with them to be the indisputable King of Halloween.

***

October had finally arrived in our little world.
It was a busy month, for many reasons, but arguably also the best month for those same reasons.
Fall break had begun, giving the humans more time to go apple-picking and coffee-drinking and leaf-collecting, or whatever it is humans do during the fall. She's sister's Life was simple, and life was good.
On a particular day in our life, October 10th, we dolls had the house all to ourselves for a brief five hours. The Funko Pops played unending games of ice hockey in the basement. Dorothy, Bell, Idina, and Anelle were baking miniature loaves of pumpkin bread in the kitchen. Moana and Pocahontas had taken the children outside to play while it was still warm, and Jocasta and Carol were finally learning how to get along, goodness only knows what got them there.
Loki darted around, miniature notepad in hand, interviewing the dolls to get their plans for Halloween. He was joined by Thor, who was always stuck at his side, and Wanda, who usually wanted to be. I thought Loki and Wanda were a good team, but lately, they had been acting-strange around each-other. I only hoped there would come a day when that strangeness would leave and they could be as close as they once were.
In the meantime, I had another confusing doll to worry about. A new doll had arrived in our home that day, and he went by the name "Bone King", already a strange concept to us. He was introduced when She was contacted by an old neighbor who had moved away and offered her one of their old Halloween decorations for free. The decoration in question was Bone King, a three-foot-tall, articulated plastic skeleton with a black foam crown glued to his cranium. It was lucky that She had been driving alone, because at the very second She was alone with him in the car, he came to life in the passenger's seat.

"Scared me half to death when he did." She explained after she had returned home, shaking her head disapprovingly at Bone King, who was skulking in the corner of her bedroom.
"I didn't expect to be taken from my home so hastily!" Bone King fought, in a mildly Scottish, yet definitely bitter, tone of voice. "A king ought to be treated with the proper accommodations for travel. Not even a seat belt was given to me!"
She had rolled her eyes. "He says he hates humans. First doll I've met who's like that."
"I didn't like you." Magneto had said, in a sugary-sweet tone of voice.
"Yes, I know, you angry little magnet-man. It was good of you to finally change your mind."
"Who said I did?" Magneto cackled, dashing out of the Room She Lived In before anyone could scold him for being rude.
"Anyways, it's a little frustrating," She vented. "I don't even need everyone to like humans. Geez, sometimes I don't even like humans. And I keep telling myself that I don't need everyone to like me, either, but it's hard when you have to live with them." She had looked pointedly at Bone King, who seemed to pay her no attention until we heard him speak again.
"When Halloween is over I will be gone."

"He's going back to the neighbor's." She explained, with a roll of her eyes.
And that was what led me to investigate him further. Steve told me all about his year in the attic, and even though Zayn was with him and he wasn't completely alone, he still has nightmares about it sometimes. It was hard to imagine a doll who hated humans so much that they would resign themselves to darkness for all but one month of the year. Why did he hate humans so much, anyways?
I decided to see if David S. Pumpkins knew anything about that, since Bone King was a Halloween decoration, and there was no doll who knew Halloween better than David Pumpkins.
"You know what I think he needs? A challenger." David had replied through Morse Code, as all Funkos did.
"A challenger?" I questioned.
"To be put into his place, I mean," David set down his hand of cards, which the Funkos had been playing, and fixed me with a mischievous twinkle in his eyes. "If he thinks he is so high and mighty, he needs to go against someone that can humble him. A challenger."

"Well, yes, I know what a challenger is, but what kind of challenge?"
David glanced at his opponents, and a smile developed in their eyes as well. I began to realize that there was something going on in their heads, and had been for a long time.
"Last year I didn't get much of a chance to experience Halloween," David explained, standing. Bob Ross and Time followed. "We were all found on the 20th. That's coming up pretty soon, and we thought it would be a good finding day present for She to allow us to decorate her home for Halloween this year. If Bone King accepts my challenge, we can compete to see who is the scariest. To see who will be named the King of Halloween."
I thought that was an excellent idea, and not just for David and the Funkos. Now that I was a mother, I was beginning to see every day with a new clarity. Ordinary tasks seemed like was doing them for the first time, and extraordinary days had more of a reason to be celebrated. Of course, I'd been with She for many Halloweens before, but there were so many new dolls who hadn't. Besides, She was always complaining that nobody wanted to visit their house on Halloween night. It was "too plain-looking", She said. This "King of Halloween" challenge was sure to benefit everyone. That same night, David and I went to She and told her the big idea.
"No messes."
"And?"
She tossed her head from shoulder to shoulder, pretending to consider an answer she already had.
"Well," She said. "Does Bone King accept?"
"Do I accept what?" Bone King asked. Despite hating She, he certainly spent a lot of time in her room. We could always find him standing in the corner, like a child in time-out, scanning a book with the hollow pits of darkness were his eyes should be. Either he could read, and he had somehow taught himself back at the neighbor's place, or he couldn't, and he simply wanted to look busy so that nobody would talk to him. Bone King took a rare moment to step out from his corner and fixate an empty stare on David, who's crow's feet wrinkled in return.
David tapped out the rules to the contest.

"Okay, but you guys have to take into account that Halloween means a lot of humans. Trick-or-treating, parties, and all of that nonsense." She said.
"I don't care much for humans." Said Bone King.
"Yes, we've established that," She grumbled. "But I will be the one providing you with the decorations, remember that."
"I will do well to remember it," Bone King grumbled, then turned to David. "If not Halloween, when shall the challenge commence?"
"The 30th," She cut in. "It's the only night this week I'll have the house to myself."
"The 30th it is," David agreed with his tiny taps. He stuck out his hand at Bone King. "Do you accept the challenge?"
"Yes," Bone King shook David's hand without hesitation. "May the best doll win." Bone King's teeth hinted at a smug smile. He was sure he would be the winner, and maybe he would be. This was something we'd never done before.
Wait, who was going to judge the contest?
"Elsa, do you have any plans for the 30th?"
Somehow, I wasn't surprised that She would ask me this.
"Idina wants to make Anna and I matching Halloween costumes, but that's about it. And Elphaba wants to do a movie night for the kids, but Steve can take Thalia instead."
"Could you do that for me? Judge the contest, I mean? I have an essay due that night."
"Sure!" I replied. And why wouldn't I say yes? Such an activity reminded me of the good ol' days, back when the biggest worry in the blog family was a Thanksgiving turkey burning in the oven. Just as I had began reminiscing, David and Bone King had left the room with promises from She to get all the Halloween decorations they required by the end of the week.
And that week went by fast. On the 29th, I was required to meet up with each of the boys to figure out what their plans were for the big night.

I started with Bone King. When he had the chance he was outside working on his project, so I was really looking forward to seeing what he had come up with. Whenever I opened the front door, I nearly ran into Bone King, who was standing on a stepstool he had borrowed from the garage.
"Hi, I'm Elsa, and I'll be judging the contest. You're Bone King, right? Sorry, I'm not the greatest with names," I laughed, playing off my intrusion. I still couldn't believe anyone wanted to go by 'Bone King'. When he did not reply, I pushed on, as I was supposed to do. "How's the decorating going?"
"Well enough," Bone King grunted. He was struggling to tie a paper bat to the doorway. The clear elastic string kept getting tangled around his spindle-thin fingers. "Nearly finished."
I stepped down into the front yard to get a good view of everything Bone King had done. The human's house had become a cemetery, littered with multiple Styrofoam tombstones, each one different from the last. Plastic, painted bones were placed perfectly in the bushes. There were ghosts made of cheesecloth that hung from each available branch, and caution tape guided the treat-or-treaters up the walkway. Bone King certainly wasn't backing down from the fight.
I lifted one of the tombstones off the ground and stuck it back onto the feeble metal stake. "She bought these for you?"
"Whatever I asked. Whatever was on the list I gave her."
"It's a lot." I admitted.
"It's what I needed to win."
"That's not what I mean. I... I don't know. I'm just wondering how you can still hate humans after this."
Bone King stepped down from the stool and for the first time in my life, I was intimidated by another doll's height. I was a foot and four inches tall, the tallest in She's collection for the longest time. Then came Bone King, towering above everyone else at three feet exactly. He pointed at me, and I felt shivers run down my back.
"A king is allowed to keep his secrets."
I nearly tripped over myself in attempt to get away. It was a good of time as any to turn my attention towards David and the other Funkos.
"Okay. Well, um, I'll leave you be. Good luck."

I crossed into the backyard and there was... nothing. Sameness as far as the eye could see. It was discouraging, to say the least, because after that conversation with Bone King, I was rooting for David. Time, David, and Bob were just standing by the deck, gesturing at a paper that David held in front of them.
"What have you got there?" I asked.
"Be quiet! We can't let him know what we're doing." David tapped, almost too quickly for me to decode.
I nodded once in understanding and came closer.
"All hate stems from fear," Bob Ross said, his coded taps as quiet as possible. "We thought that if Bone King hates humans, he must fear them in some way. We found this diagram of the human skeleton. We're going to use it to scare Bone King."
I took the photo and my hand and skimmed it over. On the left was a picture of a plain-looking female human. An arrow going from left to right showed the transition from flesh and blood to only bones. It was just an educational diagram. How could Bone King ever be afraid of this?
I shrugged and gave the photo back to Bob. "Whatever you think is going to work, use it. But I'm not allowed to give feedback. I'm just here to see who screams the loudest."
"David will be an easy winner!" Time exclaimed, as the three of them drew an invisible line over their faces where their mouths should be. No mouths- no screams.
"You know what I mean! Anyways, where are the decorations She bought for you? You only have a few more days before the 30th."
"We gave them to Bone King."
"What?"
David didn't seem phased by my shock. "Didn't need them. Just this picture and a few shovels. Now, please, you're interrupting our work. No peeking!"
"Right, sorry," I muttered, before heading back into the house. I shook off the cape and gave it back to Anna, who was standing by the door. I giggled and covered her eyes. "David said no peeking."

"Did they mention shovels? What are they doing out there?"
"It's a surprise. You can't know until the 30th."
"Do you know?" Anna asked, her curiosity getting the better of her usually reserved nature.
I smiled. "I'm not allowed to tell."
"You tease! I would be so done with you right now if Idina hadn't just asked us to get measured for our costumes downstairs."
"Oh, really? What did you pick?"
Anna spun the cape over her shoulders and fastened the button as quick as a flash. She twirled and lifted the edge of the cape close to her face to shade everything but her narrowed eyes.
"Um... vampire?"
"No, silly! Wizards! I've been reading She's old Harry Potter books. You're definitely a Ravenclaw."
"Me, a Ravenclaw? I thought it would be you, Miss Smarty-Pants!"
"Okay, so we're both Ravenclaws," Anna shrugged. "Nothing wrong with that. What would be wrong is if you were to judge the contest in an ill-fitting wizard's robe. Come on! Idina is waiting for us in the craft room."
I was happy to get a break. I was still thinking about Bone King and what he had said. What kind of secrets was a king allowed to keep? Maybe I would find out, come tomorrow.
The next day was our doll Halloween, or Dollaween. Everybody was in the spirit to celebrate. If I wasn't so worried about the contest, I might have been able to enjoy myself a little more.
When daylight began to turn to dusk, I knew it was time to warn She I was going outside. I excused myself from craft time with Anna (we were making wizard's wands to suit our costumes) and went up to the Room She Lived In. There were voices inside. I stopped just outside the door, pressing my back against the door and peering in. Nothing exceptional. She was doing homework while making small talk with Clint and Natasha on the shelf.
"And what are the Avengers doing tonight?" She asked.
"Not much. After the kids have their movie, we got a costume contest going on at nine." Said Nat.
"Oh yeah? And who do you think will win?"
"Wanda. She's good at pretending to be something she's not."
"I don't know, Nat. Kate has got a pretty good contender here with her bear ears." Clint cooed, patting his daughter's hair. Kate roared loudly and bared her teeth in response.
"Volume, beastie," said Nat. "Anyways, I heard you got something going on with the boys."
"You're going to have to be more specific about who the boys are." She replied, laughing.
"David and the Bone King."
"Aha... right," She said. "Actually, I'm writing an essay, and then carving pumpkins with Benny and Napoleon. I've honestly taken myself out of... whatever David and Bone King are doing. Bone King hates me enough as it is, so I've left Elsa in charge of judging their little contest."
I decided to step into the room. "That's right, I am."
"And how are you feeling about it now?" Natasha asked, smirking.
I inhaled. "Okay, I guess. I don't have much of a bias against either of them, although I do wish Bone King were a little nicer to you, She."
"It's whatever," She shrugged. "I can't please everybody. Besides, he'll want to return to the neighbors after Halloween ends. He'll only need to see me once a year after that."
"I can't imagine why anyone would want to live in a house without other dolls."

"Well, I'm not going to tell him he can't live there," She opened a drawer in his vanity and pulled out a small plastic bag. Five large, colorful lollipops rattled inside. "Permission to spoil the kiddos for one night?"
"Oh, you don't need our permission," Idina chuckled, coming into the room with Olaf, Oliver, and Adrina. "Zhey came running as soon as zhey heard ze word 'kiddos'."
Each of the children lined up in front of the kneeling human, patiently waiting to receive their candy for the night. Adrina and Oliver first, then Carol with Meiling, Steve with our little Thalia, and Clint and Natasha with Kate.
"Have you been good this week?" She asked the red-headed girl.
"Yes." Kate insisted, drawing out her response in a sugary-sweet tone of voice. She began swaying from side to side, trying to restrain herself from snatching the candy away.
"Katie has always been good." Clint replied from the shelf.
"Hm, I don't know. What do you think, Natasha?"
Nat regarded Kate with a stern eye that transformed into a softer one.
"Aw, what the heck. She stood still for Idina when she was measured for that new dress. Give her the candy."
"Yay!" Kate exclaimed, now standing on her tip-toes and reaching as hard as she could.
"What do you say, Kate?" Clint asked.
"Please?"
"Yes, good, but what about the other thing?"
"Trick or treat!"
She grinned and handed the lollipop over. Kate nearly buckled under its weight.
The others, Meiling, Adrina, Olaf, and our own little Thalia, who had all patiently waited for their treat, began running off with the lollipops as soon as they were given. She resumed her homework, plugging her earbuds in and drowning out the rest of the world.
"Hey Elsa, we're going to go start the movie now. Wanna come?" Olaf asked.

I politely declined, explaining that I would catch up with him and the others as soon as the Bone King and David's contest was properly concluded.
"They're still doing that?"
"Yeah," I sighed. "It's pretty important, too."
"You're really brave to be doing that, Elsa."
"Why? Because you think they'll fight?"
"No," Olaf shivered. "I don't trust Halloween decorations."
I laughed, although not unkindly. "It's supposed to be scary! Whoever is able to scare the other gets to be the King of Halloween."
Oliver butted in and started tugging on his father's arm. "But mom told me that Jack Skellington was the King of Halloween. You know, from the movie we're going to watch."
"He's the Pumpkin King, sweetie. Eet iz different," Idina said, petting Ollie's head. "Elphaba just figured out how to use the DVD player. Are you coming, Olav?"
"Yeah. Good luck, Elsa." Said Olaf, hugging me before he left. He left the door open for the Funky Warriors, who told me that David and the Bone King were ready. I wasn't sure if I was, though. I pulled my wizard's cape closer around my neck, chilly, despite the warmth in the room, and followed Blake down the stairs.
The house was already spooky enough at night without any humans around. I heard the noise from the T.V. in the basement, but it sounded distant, eerie. Blake tapped out a message, letting me know that I would be judging the Bone King's work first in the front yard. They helped me open the door, but after that, I was on my own.
The first thing that came to mind when I saw it was "impressive". The Bone King had dedicated multiple hours of multiple days to make the front yard as spooky as possible. No detail was left ignored; even the small potted flowers that were usually kept out of the way of view were matted with cobwebs and sprinkled with inanimate plastic spiders. I could tell so much was different, even after my visit yesterday.

I started down the walkway warily, hyper-aware of any small sound or movement around me. A tall, white skeleton was wedged into the bushes. That was new...
"Rah!" The skeleton shouted, cartwheeling out of the shrubbery. It was only Bone King.
"You scared me!" I lowered my hands, feeling betrayed.
"That is the idea," he folded his hands behind his back. I could still see them through his pelvis, but he wasn't hiding anything more. "What do you think?"
"It's excellent. Truly unlike anything we've had in years past." I replied, and I felt that I was being honest. But would it be enough to scare David?
"That's because in years past, the humans decorated, I'm sure."
I nodded but said nothing more. I wasn't in the mood for this tonight.
"Did David say he'd be coming over soon?"
Someone was drumming their fingertips on the ground behind me. It was Time, Bob and David, the latter of them with a red smiling mouth scrawled across his face. I remember when I met Funko Pops for the first time, I thought they looked creepy without mouths. But he looked far creepier now.
"Here," David tapped. "Is this all?"
"What do you mean, is this all?" Bone King spluttered, immediately offended.
"David meant no ill will," Bob Ross assured. "It's all very nice."
"Nice?" Bone King folded his arms. He didn't take this any better.
I was able to catch them before it spiraled out of control.
"Guys, guys, please! This is our Halloween. It should be fun."
"And this is our contest. It should be fair," Bone King raised his browbone, glowering down at me. "Don't allow their words to influence you."
I turned to David. He was rolling his eyes.
"I won't," I told Bone King. "Let's continue."
He gave the four of us a tour of the yard, being careful to duck or hide whenever humans were spotted on the street or across the way. Impressive, still, was the word that came to mind instead of scary. Maybe Olaf would have been a better judge, but it was too late now.
Since the Funkos couldn't scream, we decided that cowardice would be the only way to tell when they were afraid. If David refused to walk any further, or shuddered with each step, for example, then Bone King would have accomplished his goal. But David walked ahead with confidence, his two best friends on either side, neither of them looking the least bit phased. Bone King grumbled something about how his decorations would be more effective if it weren't so dark, and then we went to David's side of the house.

From where the sun stood normally, the backyard already had an advantage. She's house was always shadowing the back, making the grass thinner and browner. A small drainage ditch that separated She's yard from her neighbor's was a great spawn for mosquitoes in the summer and fog in the fall. The Funkos didn't have to put forth any effort to achieve the "haunted" appearance I got from the yard that night.
"Not even Elsa knows what's in store." David tapped out to Bone King.
"Good. No prejudice then," he glared around. "But where's your decorations?"
"Further." Was all David said. He traded looks with Time and Bob, each of them miming small laughter in the Funko's expressive language.
Bone King sighed and stepped off the back porch. I followed him from a distance, constantly aware of how much it looked like nothing had been changed at all. What were the boys up to?
He reached the halfway point in She's yard, which was marked by a large gray rock. Still nothing.
"Where?" Bone King called.
"Further."
Three-fourths of the way down the yard and we were approaching the garden. It was almost barren this time of year, with colors fading and plants dying. Only a few sprigs of green were popping out, most of which were cleverly concealed by dry leaves. It certainly added a little "oomph" to the already spooky atmosphere.
"They had better not be joking," Bone King muttered. "Where it is, then?"
"Further!" David tapped as loudly as he could. "Go into the garden!"
And so we did, tiptoeing carefully over grass and gravel. The garden the humans had was divided into four quadrants, each of them used for something different. The first one was practical; basic vegetables, such as tomatoes and cucumbers. Two held hardy shrubs and bushes. Three were the lovelier flowers, and each year it was either roses or wild daises. The fourth quadrant could never decide what it wanted to be. Compost, usually. The soil was oddly infertile there. Anything that grew would wither at the first frost. Tonight, a large pile of dirt and debris stood in the fourth quadrant. So far, that seemed like the only thing David had changed.

"It must be there." I told Bone King, pointing with one hand and holding my cape shut around my neck with the other. I wasn't cold, (I never was), but I didn't want Bone King to see my shoulders shaking.
"Why would they bury their decorations?" Bone King grumbled. He got into a kneeling position on the ground and began scooping away with his hands. I cast a glance at the trio of Funkos, who had stopped their snickering to stand gravely side-by-side... just watching. If I had been participating in this competition, I would have lost long ago.

Bone King unearthed a standard, white-paper envelope from the pile and blew off the dirt with the lungs he didn't have. He squinted. "You have got to be bloody kidding me."

"Wait. Open it." David commanded. 

Bone King poked a phalange through the envelope's seal and ripped it open just as easily without a blade. Inside was the diagram of the human woman being dressed down to a skeleton.

"What is this?" Bone King spat.

"It's you," David stated. For some reason his slow tapping was more haunting than usual. "What you will become."

"Stop your haverin', what's it mean?"

Bone King's words slurred more and more with more exaggerated Scottish. If I wasn't mistaken he was starting to get panicked. 

"Has no one told you what happens to dolls?" Time continued. "When humans die, they become skeletons. Like you."

"But dolls cannot die, so what happens to them?"

Suddenly it clicked. They were lying to Bone King to scare him. And it was working.

"They become human." I said, trying to make myself sound whispery and grim.

"It's not true," Bone King stammered. "Ne'er in my life 'ave I seen a doll become human."

"How long's your life?" Time asked. "We've got dolls here who have been around a lot longer than you."

"And some of them are beginning to grow flesh," David said. "Turn over the paper. Look for yourself."

Now I had seen the other side of the paper as Bone King was looking at the diagram, and it was laughable at best. Elphie had taken a picture of Napoleon into photoshop and gave him human fingers. It wasn't even good photoshop, but it seemed to do the trick to scare Bone King.

He turned over the paper with trembling hands and yelped, a shrill, animalistic scream.

He stood and leapt into a run in the same swift movement, back up towards the house.

The Funkos began rolling in the garden in fits of laughter. I took the paper off the ground and shriveled my nose in disgust. I was glad that Napoleon had no chance of getting human hands. 

The next morning was Halloween Day, and Bone King was no where to be found. David said that he was hiding in the garage, still nursing his wounds from failing the challenge. That, or unable to shake the terrifying image of Napoleon from his mind. Despite everything, She wanted to extend him some kindness and bring him a mug of pumpkin spice tea to warm up.

"What was he like?" I asked, upon She's re-entry to the main house. 

"Well, he can't wait to go back to the neighbor's."

"Still hates humans?"

"Rather, I think he hates dolls now."

I laughed. "Maybe it's a good thing he's going to a house without any more of them."

"Maybe so. Do you want to share the rest of this tea?"

"Is it still warm?"

"Not after you touch it, it won't be!"

"My switch is off, I promise."

"Sure," said She, picking me up and putting me on the kitchen table next to the mug. The delicious warm scent of nutmeg and cinnamon wafted into the air. "You know that, starting tomorrow, the kids are going to want you to make snow."

"Christmas comes earlier every year." I agreed.

She took a sip. "So be it."

We paused a second to drink in the quiet of the house, the calm before the storm that would likely be tonight's festivities. She's family bought the extra-large candy bars this year, and the doorbell was sure to be ringing nonstop.

"When does Bone King go back?" I asked.

"Tomorrow."

"Do you think he'll be back next year?"

"If he is, he'll be sure to want a re-match."

"Uh-oh," I giggled. "I am not judging that one!"

"That's okay, I'll get Olaf to do it."

"Yeah, right." We said in unison. Some things never change.

Signing off,

Queen Elsa Rodgers